Essex Hurricane Appeal

Downtown ‘Baz’

I know we’re getting a little of topic here but….

One of my regular suppliers of humorous e-mails has sent me another gem; thought I’d share it with you, particularly as Basildon was one my earlier ‘patches’ so there is some relevance.

From our reporter in Basildon:

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “faaackinell”. The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning.” Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.


This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:

  • Fila or Burberry baseball caps
  • Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
  • Shell suits (female)
  • White sport socks
  • Rockport boots
  • Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

  • Microwave meals
  • Tins of baked beans
  • Ice cream
  • Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew
  • 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
  • £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
  • £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. “Where are you bleeding from?” they asked,” ROMFORD” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?


6 Responses to Essex Hurricane Appeal

  1. Barnaby says:

    Quick, suture my sides – NOT. If you don’t like looking after people you consider undeserving, don’t sneer at them from your high horse like some gout-riddled Victorian landowner – just resign so they won’t have to put up with you looking down your nose at them if they ever need an ambulance.

  2. ghengis says:

    barnaby has a point Mr S, your sounding so negative maybe a review of your meds is in order? whilst were on the subject are you allowed to man a rrv whilst medicated? maybe occy health could answer that one

  3. BigBen says:

    If it was anywhere near true it would be funny

  4. Sage says:

    I took it for what it was a parody, not looking down on them more observance than anything else…. did have to laugh at the picture it conjured in my imagination….


  5. Helly says:

    Even though I’ve read it before, this one still makes me chuckle. I’m quite sure it’s designed to be tongue-in-cheek though, don’t get angry people!

    (And that’s coming from someone who has lived her entire life in sunny Romford!)


  6. sarah says:

    Fucking marvellous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I once had the pleasure of working there. tee hee hee.

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